The current mood of untwirl@yahoo.com at www.imood.com


don't cry for rehnquist

three words for this 'new-federalist':
no great loss.

read about his racist and anti-constitutional beliefs and rulings here.


Justice Scalia, no surprise

this is old news, but just like jeb's removing elected officials, its new to me!

after quoting King James, he went on to say:
"This is not the Old Testament, I emphasize, but St. Paul. One can understand his words as referring only to lawfully constituted authority, or even only to lawfully constituted authority that rules justly. But the core of his message is that government—however you want to limit that concept—derives its moral authority from God. It is the “minister of God” with powers to “revenge,” to “execute wrath,” including even wrath by the sword (which is unmistakably a reference to the death penalty)."

So now we're referring to the Bible to find out what the constitution meant.

"The death penalty is undoubtedly wrong unless one accords to the state a scope of moral action that goes beyond what is permitted to the individual. In my view, the major impetus behind modern aversion to the death penalty is the equation of private morality with governmental morality. This is a predictable (though I believe erroneous and regrettable) reaction to modern, democratic self–government."

democracy makes people think the government doesn't have a hotline to god any more than they do. lets get back to good old god chosen kings who rule by divine right, america!
is he really saying this??!?

of course, then he has to justify his christian doctrine with the catholic catechism AGAINST the death penalty. a bit of slippery reasoning there.
its a long read but scary and eye-opening.

the Brits have us pegged
from The Mirror via Michael Moore
"Were I a Kerry voter, though, I'd feel deep anger, not only at them returning Bush to power, but for allowing the outside world to lump us all into the same category of moronic muppets.
The self-righteous, gun-totin', military lovin', sister marryin', abortion-hatin', gay-loathin', foreigner-despisin', non-passport ownin' red-necks, who believe God gave America the biggest dick in the world so it could urinate on the rest of us and make their land "free and strong". "


tompaine.com says it all

are there others like me who never knew that last year Jeb Bush removed an elected official!!??
a Democrat elections supervisor???
and then replaced her with a Republican (of course, duh).

"It is well-reported that Broward County, Fla., failed to send out nearly 60,000 absentee ballots. What has not been nationally reported is that Broward's elections supervisor is a Jeb Bush appointee who took the post only after the governor took the unprecedented step of removing the prior elected supervisor who happened be a Democrat."

alot of the rest of the article refers to spoiled votes, another way in which minorities are disenfranchised.
and in the wake of our e-election nightmare the tale of one New Mexico county who couldn't get their bullshit straight. that stuff was FOUR YEARS AGO, PEOPLE!!


one, two ... oh my god

review of the kick ass beastie boys concert, with me front and center, to be posted soon!


green is me making smartass comments
Mr. President, what do you say to someone in this country who has lost his job to someone overseas who's being paid a fraction of what that job paid here in the United States?
BUSH: I'd say, Bob, I've got policies to continue to grow our economy and create the jobs of the 21st century. And here's some help for you to go get an education. Here's some help for you to go to a community college.
ha! ok thanks george - now how about my rent?
We've expanded trade adjustment assistance. We want to help pay for you to gain the skills necessary to fill the jobs of the 21st century.
You know, there's a lot of talk about how to keep the economy growing. We talk about fiscal matters. But perhaps the best way to keep jobs here in America and to keep this economy growing is to make sure our education system works.
or maybe just not paying corporations to move their jobs away?
I went to Washington to solve problems. And I saw a problem in the public education system in America. They were just shuffling too many kids through the system, year after year, grade after grade, without learning the basics.
And so we said: Let's raise the standards. We're spending more money, but let's raise the standards and measure early and solve problems now, before it's too late.
oh yeah, like pointless standardized testing and punishing schools who don't score well.
No, education is how to help the person who's lost a job. Education is how to make sure we've got a workforce that's productive and competitive.
Got four more years, I've got more to do to continue to raise standards, to continue to reward teachers and school districts that are working, to emphasize math and science in the classrooms, to continue to expand Pell Grants to make sure that people have an opportunity to start their career with a college diploma.
And so the person you talked to, I say, here's some help, here's some trade adjustment assistance money for you to go a community college in your neighborhood, a community college which is providing the skills necessary to fill the jobs of the 21st century. And that's what I would say to that person.

SCHIEFFER: Senator Kerry?
KERRY: I want you to notice how the president switched away from jobs and started talking about education principally.
i did notice that, john. that kinda pissed me off.
Let me come back in one moment to that, but I want to speak for a second, if I can, to what the president said about fiscal responsibility.
Being lectured by the president on fiscal responsibility is a little bit like Tony Soprano talking to me about law and order in this country.
This president has taken a $5.6 trillion surplus and turned it into deficits as far as the eye can see. Health-care costs for the average American have gone up 64 percent; tuitions have gone up 35 percent; gasoline prices up 30 percent; Medicare premiums went up 17 percent a few days ago; prescription drugs are up 12 percent a year.
But guess what, America? The wages of Americans have gone down. The jobs that are being created in Arizona right now are paying about $13,700 less than the jobs that we're losing.
And the president just walks on by this problem. The fact is that he's cut job-training money. $1 billion was cut. They only added a little bit back this year because it's an election year.
They've cut the Pell Grants and the Perkins loans to help kids be able to go to college.
They've cut the training money. They've wound up not even extending unemployment benefits and not even extending health care to those people who are unemployed.
I'm going to do those things, because that's what's right in America: Help workers to transition in every respect.
thats what i was looking for - people without jobs need money! and health care!

SCHIEFFER: Mr. President?
BUSH: Whew!
Let me start with the Pell Grants. In his last litany of misstatements. He said we cut Pell Grants. We've increased Pell Grants by a million students. That's a fact.
You know, he talks to the workers. Let me talk to the workers.
(dubya's internal dialogue: dammit, first i forgot to talk to the naacp, and now the workers!)
You've got more money in your pocket as a result of the tax relief we passed and he opposed.
are you still going on about that $300 four years ago?! hold up, lemme check - nope, that money is not in my pocket.
If you have a child, you got a $1,000 child credit. That's money in your pocket.
If you're married, we reduced the marriage penalty. The code ought to encourage marriage, not discourage marriage.
well, thats enough for now

while checkin out the swamplog and reading this article (blech~dont waste your time), i came across a great idea for encouraging people to vote.
show your patriotism!
pledge to have a votergasm on election night!


i love that they ask you this random question for your profile.
here's mine:

Come up with some possible band names for your group that features a washboard and a styrofoam tuba.

Answers: bubbatub, itchy butt, riddle diddle, hoosegow

i need to hear this tuba.


here's somethin other than politics
regarding the perkins-marks shindig a weekend ago:
the party was so good- all the sleep deprivation of kerrville with none of the punk ass bitches.
plus thais took me and jodi thru the swamp on a swamp boat with some swamp boots on.
hell yeah.
and as an unexpected bonus i got to make jodi scurred cuz we saw a snake!
well, ashley saw a snake, but i used it.
speaking of jodi - i miss her!
gone to oz with her pair of squirmies, i swear this month is gonna take a year.
connor and i went to the oh so emo dobie mall for the clash of the street kids/yuppies/chess nerds, with your usual austin sprinkling of outta work musicians, overeducated hippies, and coffee shop workers. we took a couple great pics in the photo booth - i'll try to get off my ass and scan them sometime soon. plus his karate class photo last week - my little secret assassin with two knives and an evil grimace he's so cute i could pinch him!
well ok, dear diary, i guess i'm done. i should paste this into an email for all those neglected peeps since i haven't posted here in ages!


the poetry of dubya
by Washington Post writer Richard Thompson

by George W. Bush

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the Internet become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?

They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope, where our wings take dream.

Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher! Make the pie higher!


On the Veep Debate

Dick's Not-So-Secret Thoughts:

What's good for Haliburton is good for America. Therefore, anyone opposed to Haliburton is opposed to America. We have a word for people like that. It starts with a T and ends in errorist.

Edwards has stockpiles of sarin gas. I'm serious. And he's a damn trial lawyer. What are we gonna do next time -- fucking sue Saddam? That's right, I said fuck. I'm gonna say it all the time now!

At 10:39 on the morning of Sept. 11, 2001, Vice President Dick Cheney, in a bunker beneath the White House, told Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld in a video teleconference that he had been informed earlier that morning that hijacked planes were approaching Washington. "Pursuant to the president's instructions, I gave authorization for them to be taken out," Cheney told Rumsfeld, who was at the Pentagon. Informing Rumsfeld that the pilots had received orders to fire, Cheney added, "It's my understanding they've already taken a couple of aircraft out." Cheney's comments, which were soon proved erroneous, were detailed in a report issued Thursday by the commission investigating the terrorist attacks. The comments are part of the considerable confusion that surrounded top government officials as the tense drama unfolded. San Fran Chronicle

Dick's Not-So-Secret Thoughts:

You're goddamn right I ordered the code red.


here's a thoughtful take on the presidential candidates:
kerry has a hugantic ginormous head which can barely fit on my tv screen.
and then the other one, i will not say his name for fear of throwing up in my mouth a little bit, i am surprised that this guy can actually dress himself in the mornings. HE ALMOST DIED FROM A PRETZEL!!!!!!!! my god, we are being attacked by terrorists and troops are dying and our commander-in-chief goes down on fucking snack food.
there are your choices, america.
good luck with that.

thanks to thais, i am once again bloggity bloggin.
but, um, i haven't thought of anythin to say yet.
i'm sure there's somethin ... gimme a minute


i am consistently inconsistent.
(i am accordantly capricious)
(i am congruously discrepant)
(i am predictably solecistic)
(i am consonantly discordant)

i got a new thesaurus!

------the highly selective thesaurus for the extraordinarily literate-----

thank god no one is depending on this for their sole source of entertainment.


osteopornosis: a degenerate disease.


glibido: all talk and no action.


videotap: the final step in breaking the spell while rescuing your child from a slack-jawed zone in front of the tv.

or then there's

ideotape: cassette full o' rhetoric


Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.


today has been a day of caffeination!

usually i drink one cup a day, if that. today i am finishing my second.

i blame jodi.

she's slowly turning me into a stepford wife.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.


my son's new business plan:

"mommy, we could make things, like golden trophies, and sell them for $100 and then we would be rich. only they wouldn't be real, they'd be fake golden trophies and we'd sell them to all our friends."

an evil genius.

of course, he added as an afterthought, he wasn't talking for real, he was just saying what greedy people would do.

gee...brain, what do you want to do tonight?
the same thing we do every night pinky,

i usually also eschew bullshit 'u r my friend' emails

but this one rang true:

1. When you are sad,...I will get you drunk and will help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue,...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile, ........I'll know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared, ...I will nag you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
6. When you are confused,...I will use little words to explain.
7. When you are sick,...stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall,...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help
you move a body.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.


puns and i ... a love/hate relationship

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat minor.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
A backward poet writes inverse.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

enough! enough!
groan. (chuckle)


connor gets off a good one

wonderful son, giving his mommy a backrub, when he comes across a sore spot. "ow, whats that?" i say. "it's just a pimple," he says, "or perhaps, it's a third nipple ..."

if you're around the house chillin, go to thislife.org and listen to the archives. i heard this one at the end of a grueling 14 hour road trip to be with my mom for her neck surgery and i cried like a baby at the end.


ok extra word today - i'm absolutely prolific

poor baby girl anarra shade is STILL sick.

spiking fevers, lethargy, delirium (more than usual) - for a month now and doctors dont know what the fuck. the latest cast of the bones and shake of the wiggle stick has determined that she might have juvenile arthritis and would be sent to a rheumatologist.
hence the new word:

rumortologist: the doctor who will tell you the latest unsubstantiated gossip about your condition.

once again

i am eschewing political news and only reading satire and low humor.
i got into a drawn out email discussion with a member of the opposition in venezuela, and while he is well spoken and intelligent, he's spewing just as much propaganda as the government sponsored website.
so, as i said, low humor: puns, dead baby jokes, whateva makes me chuckle.
i love the onion.

this weeks opinion is beautiful. i have seen this guy at the liquor store:

"How great is your beauty? I can describe it in a mathematical formula. Given A, the set of all women, and B, a subset of A comprising women who are willing to sleep with me, you are the most beautiful member of subset B, my darling.

These might sound like nothing more than honeyed words. You might think I'm merely flattering you. Nothing could be further from the truth. No one on this earth is more wonderful than you—excepting, of course, the various women more beautiful than yourself who are not willing to sleep with me. But those women are neither here nor there—or, rather, they are not here."


Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

i think today's word also describes the color you'd turn after realizing you're stuck for an evening with this guy.

i miss smoove b - he always made me feel special.


it's a neighborly day for a beauty

and me without a cool sweater and change of shoes.
would you be mine?
could you be mine?

today's word is an affliction with which i am way too familiar. some may scoff, but this is a serious illness and i suffer daily from the slings and arrows of the uncool masses.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.


hooligans of the serengeti:

its a sad story: latchkey calves stealin mom's smokes, experimenting with toads, getting into displays of superiority before the velvet is even off their antlers . . .

today's word

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.


ok, hate to get serious but ...

a big 'right on' to my man chavez for calling an asshole an asshole.

just because he is a social reformer who doesn't want to see his country go the way of Argentina - balls held tightly in the loving hand of the wto - our boy bush is gonna make sure he listens to reason.

well, thats not the only reason, of course venezuela has lots of oil.
and chavez isnt too shy to tax the royalties of the intl petro giants.

i mean, hey, the rich and the blonde want him out so he must be a bad guy, right?

chavez is no aristide, as our bush-lovin' media would have you believe, although his buddying up to mugabe makes him pretty slimy. i hope its just pandering, but they're a couple of narcissistic motherfuckers.

ok a little levity now:

word o'

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.


word, comin atcha!

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

would that include my padded bra? hmm...


this is great
even if i have nothing to say i can still post and look productive.

today's word:

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.


ok this is a new idea
and i make no promises about my intentions to post more often or be more funny or floss or clean things or organize activities or exercise or sleep more or sleep less or find inner peace or think globally or save the whales or even clean out the cat box.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

so its time for word of the day on narflog!

i'll try to be consistent
but like i said
no promises.


Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.


at long last

i have returned.
not sure how productive i'll be - i've been pretty uninspired lately. maybe now that festivus is over i can regain both my faith in mankind and my ability to form complete sentences.
maybe i should start smaller . . .


it's snowing!!!!!

snow snow beautimous snow
the harder it blow
the frozer your toe


the horror
well, i made it to houston, saw the moma exhibit, but somehow it fell short.
by the time i got to the hall my emotions had been so evoked that my ears were ringing. two loops and a long piece of yarn dangling were all that held me together (sorry about the crochet metaphor). so i didn't have much to spare.
here's why:
as we walked through the crosswalk from the museum to sculpture garden for lunch, my friend ned's son, nathan was hit by a bmw. this was a week ago and i can still barely describe it in print. it was one of the most surreal things i have ever witnessed. he's fine, but i think it might take me a while to get over it.
i'll have to get back on later and tell the whole story - i need more than the 5 minutes i have right now to sort it out and put it on the page.


holla back
to my friend pansy for the b-day shout out.
you are a hip happenin sewing sorceress, dahlink!


thais, you've created a monster
i've crocheted 6 scarves, 2 purses, and a fucking armless dolly in the past week and a half.

somebody stop me before i intentionally impale myself on a plastic hook.


remember how
i said i love me some michael knight? well, not quite as much as this girl . . .

and gary coleman is a close second for most loved pop culture icon - but gar, mike, and kitt all together??!!??
too good to be true.
quick, destroy the evidence!
new orleans photos are in!

we have "me and the hot redhead", "three drunk girls", and "the pope loves nutella!" (the last taken of a shop window near frenchman street)


happy happy birthday to my super fabulous sister erin!!!

i can't wait to see you! here's a pic of me and you after your first time in the smoky mountains.


i want my moma!

200 pieces (Van Gogh, Seurat, Gauguin, Cezanne, Rousseau, Matisse, Braque, Kandinsky, Monet, Picasso, Chagall, Dali , Oppenheim, Duchamp, Rodin, Balthus, Pollock, Warhol, Lichtenstein, Guston, Richter . . .) from the new york museum of modern art are in houston until the end of the year!!!

be there or be square (with an arm growing out of your head and your nose on your cheek).


blingo is my name, yo

got my fab gear blinky lights for my tire valve covers attached to my car today! now, mind you, this is no pimpmobile. its perpetually dusty, has bits of trim missing, and has a cranky driver's side window that protests its oppression by sticking halfway down in the car wash. maybe this is why its so dusty . . .
anyway, included in the bangin' birthday gift from jodelia sue was the trippy scrolling red light from knight rider! i love me some michael knight. kitt always reminded me of hal 9000:
"i'm sorry michael, i'm afraid i can't do that"

all i need is some low-pros and i'll be a balla!


tickling my ivories

heard on my local npr affiliate tonight that ruben gonzales died. what an incredible pianist, i just love that latin swing! and just look at that poonum!


tree of death?

can't decide what to do about the annual xmas tree question.
you know the arguments: hate the needles, love the smell, blah blah blah.
so i had pretty much decided to buy a potted pine and that way i could have it forever. then i remembered that i am infamous for my inability to sustain plant life.
so, here's the dilemma:

is it worse to kill one outright or to bring it home and torture it for a couple of months?
thoroughly swamped out . . .

my adventure through the boggy bottom has come to a close.
from drive-thru daquiris to near loss of consciousness, i ran the gamut for a birthday bon vivant.
my dear and unendingly patient friend thais played the merry tripster along with her lovely husband wilson (the king of omeletes). (buy their incredible music!!)
my eternal thanks to the gracious newlyweds for putting up with jodi and me - the equivalent of 2 redneck prison lifers on a weekend furlough; well, without the whores . . .

i almost ended the weekend with a thick metal spike shoved through my flesh, but narrowly escaped thanks to my body's uncanny and previously unknown ability to completely shut down and refuse to let me do something so blatantly a bad idea.


hey, when you're on a small, overcrowded island, sometimes you get thirsty

those wacky japanese

a little peach flavoring and some ice go a long way!
personally, i prefer mine warm . . .

i was planning to get on last night and complain about what an insomniac i've been lately, but i passed out at 10:30.

ha! that'll show me!


rhinestone cowboy looking roadhard

i guess this is the weekend for my "let's laugh at the dysfunctional celebrities" posts. glen campbell's mug shot should be his next album cover!


you knew it was coming-sick michael jackson jokes!

disclaimer: these are jokes i actually found amusing. no animals were harmed in the making of these jokes. they are simply the deranged thoughts of some truly sick individuals. god love 'em.

What's the difference between a grocery bag and Michael Jackson?
One is white, made of plastic and dangerous for children and the other one you use to carry groceries.

Why did Michael Jackson go to K-Mart?
He heard boy's pants were half off.

What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A slumber party at Michael Jackson's house.

Why was Michael Jackson dismissed as a cub scout leader?
He was up to a pack a day.


said while sipping juice through a straw,

connor: "ah, all i need is a little umbrella"

"mommy, i was going to hit you in the head with the golf club but i decided not to."

me: "good decision."
had the oddest dream series last night
i should have written it down when i woke up; i always forget. something to do connor having kids and me being dead - no, not dead, something worse than dead. . . alive, i guess! an iconic, stuggle with mortality. or maybe it was just a having a birthday next week, getting older, fork-in-the-road kinda dream. who knows? i barely remember it. all i know for sure is that i woke up pinned between cherie and connor, drenched in sweat, and started weeping. then i proceeded to whine about the haircut that i liked yesterday. how pathetic. i should just buzz it and teach myself a lesson. ("you want to see a bad haircut? now this is a bad haircut!")
in other news, my scanner is a piece of shit. its my own fault for not getting the usb instead of this damn parallel port. its barely better than scuzzy. i don't ever want to see a bios again!!! well, i guess i know what to ask for for xmas . . .(hint)


my kinda god
create your own hilarious church sign!

mine was good, but
connor's is better
okay - the turkey day tragedies:
cranberries - once they're dried, there's no turning back.
lard pie crust - sounded like a bad idea from the beginning, ended in tears.
lovely squash and red pepper puree - couldn't even drum up enough enthusiasm to finish making it.
and worst of all . . .

no pumpkin pie! (once again - lard pie crust)

however, 2 pints of heavy cream and some chocolate pudding make a lovely pool to drown your disappointment in. and i'm making a pumpkin pie tomorrow, dammit!

all in all, a fab spread - i wanna give a holla to all the peeps who made it possible - you know who you are.


surreal appeal
"Each expression of the Line, Circle, Dot world opens the way to continuing growth and is, at the same time, a potential seed of evolution."

one of my favorite living surrealists died last week. i discovered gordon onslow ford through my love of the tripped out work of roberto matta.


down on the white man
i know it's sad, and i'm horribly insensitive, but goddamit it's funny! i didn't actually read the story, but the title made me giggle uncontrollably.

albinos, the white minority . . .
hey, whitey's got it hard, too.
hours of fun

"check out the big brain on brad"
music to my ears:

"mommy, i'm going to make your coffee today!"
funny thing i heard at my friend's house

"ian, help your sister find a pair of your underwear to put on her head, now!"
taboo fondue

a brie history of time

i haven't explored this site yet - but the home page is too gouda to pass up!
grow up heather, that's so '87

my 5 year old spends alot of time playing joust, defender, rampage, and spy hunter. no, i don't own a 1980's time-warp convenience store - thanks to shockwave classic arcade games are just a click away!
ok this is pretty funny . . . or maybe its pretty late - well either way:

looking for that perfect baby shower gift for your uptight christian sister-in-law? lord knows i was.
rachel here
ah, my own not-so-private idaho
and you lucky people get to share it with me!
being a virgin in blogville i have no idea where i'm going to start . . . so let's begin with the basics:
i am vehemently opposed to capitalization.
oh, i'm no zealot - it's fine for other people - just not me.

so, suffice to say you won't find me pecking at the shift key anytime soon - sorry, tennessee!

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